HAPPY FRIDAY! (Who’s that guy, you ask? We’ll get to that . . .)
Once again, we bring you the Annual Textpat Wives Christmas List. We hope you love it as much as we loved “researching,” by which we mean drinking wine and online shopping and howling with laughter – and then remembering that we were supposed to be writing. Follow the links to confirm that we really couldn’t make this s*** up.
What Should Be On Every Singapore Expat’s Christmas List – 2018
- Don’t Sweat It Bra Liners. Finally someone has an answer to the boob sweat.
- Any Korean beauty product. Because everyone needs more K-Beauty in their life, and nothing says “Deck the Halls” like rubbing snail slime and foreskin juice all over your face. What? You think we’re making this up? Ask Sandra Bullock why her face looks so dewy. Go on, google it. You. Will. Die.
- A bracelet flask. This one has a rhinestone lid on it so you KNOW it’s classy. Because we all know Mommy really only wants three things on Christmas morning: a little bling, a little booze, and a nap.
- A necklace fan. Is it a fashionable accessory? Absolutely not. But neither are the pit stains. So get one and set it on HIGH. Just be careful you don’t get your tassel necklace wrapped up in there. (Can you imagine?!?!)
- Travel wine bottle protectors. If you’re going back and forth on holidays and wrapping your wine bottles in dirty t-shirts in your suitcase, you’re just asking for trouble. Class it up with some of these.
- An umbrella – which is also a sun umbrella, wind-proof, opens and closes with one hand, and is small enough to keep in your handbag but large enough when open to actually keep you – and a at least one child – somewhat dry. And it has to be pretty, with flowers or a Monet print or something. And it can’t have that ridiculous wooden hook handle because you’re not clippity-clopping your way around Victorian London like Sherlock Holmes FFS. Let us know if you find one that fits the bill.
- A device that FINDS YOUR CAR! We’ll admit, this particular product seems straight off the shelves at Stalkers R Us, but we still think it would have HUGE value for us. Because though we may need the exercise, ain’t nobody got time to be wandering the bowels of Vivo looking for their car.
- A shoe deodorizer machine. Because your kids’ feet reek. (And by “your” we mean “our”), and those cute sneaker balls aren’t making a dent in that stank. What we need is a magical machine that dries out your shoes and then disinfects them. Glorious.
- This little device, which allows you to pee in the squat toilet without having to actually squat – and without peeing on your own ankles. Suddenly your Singapore public toilet stall options are increased by 20%!
- An Uncle wall decal. An interior decorator we know told us that any room is instantly transformed when you add candles and throw pillows, and we think she was totally right but we’re pretty sure she just forgot to mention Uncles. (And also: Hey Amazon! “Old Man Wall Decal”?! That dude isn’t “old”. He’s like early forties. Some of us consider that pretty young as a matter of fact. But F you very much. And Merry Christmas.)