What Should Be On Every Singapore Expat’s Christmas List

IMG_1331HAPPY FRIDAY!  (Who’s that guy, you ask? We’ll get to that . . .)

Once again, we bring you the Annual Textpat Wives Christmas List. We hope you love it as much as we loved “researching,” by which we mean drinking wine and online shopping and howling with laughter – and then remembering that we were supposed to be writing. Follow the links to confirm that we really couldn’t make this s*** up.

What Should Be On Every Singapore Expat’s Christmas List – 2018

  1. Don’t Sweat It Bra Liners.   Finally someone has an answer to the boob sweat.  
  2. Any Korean beauty product.  Because everyone needs more K-Beauty in their life, and nothing says “Deck the Halls” like rubbing snail slime and foreskin juice all over your face. What? You think we’re making this up? Ask Sandra Bullock why her face looks so dewy. Go on, google it. You. Will. Die.
  3. A bracelet flask. This one has a rhinestone lid on it so you KNOW it’s classy.  Because we all know Mommy really only wants three things on Christmas morning: a little bling, a little booze, and a nap.  
  4. A necklace fan.  Is it a fashionable accessory?  Absolutely not. But neither are the pit stains.  So get one and set it on HIGH. Just be careful you don’t get your tassel necklace wrapped up in there. (Can you imagine?!?!)
  5. Travel wine bottle protectors.  If you’re going back and forth on holidays and wrapping your wine bottles in dirty t-shirts in your suitcase, you’re just asking for trouble.  Class it up with some of these.
  6. An umbrella – which is also a sun umbrella, wind-proof, opens and closes with one hand, and is small enough to keep in your handbag but large enough when open to actually keep you – and a at least one child – somewhat dry.  And it has to be pretty, with flowers or a Monet print or something. And it can’t have that ridiculous wooden hook handle because you’re not clippity-clopping your way around Victorian London like Sherlock Holmes FFS. Let us know if you find one that fits the bill.
  7. A device that FINDS YOUR CAR!  We’ll admit, this particular product seems straight off the shelves at Stalkers R Us, but we still think it would have HUGE value for us.  Because though we may need the exercise, ain’t nobody got time to be wandering the bowels of Vivo looking for their car.
  8. A shoe deodorizer machine. Because your kids’ feet reek. (And by “your” we mean “our”), and those cute sneaker balls aren’t making a dent in that stank.  What we need is a magical machine that dries out your shoes and then disinfects them. Glorious.
  9. This little device, which allows you to pee in the squat toilet without having to actually squat – and without peeing on your own ankles. Suddenly your Singapore public toilet stall options are increased by 20%!  
  10. An Uncle wall decal. An interior decorator we know told us that any room is instantly transformed when you add candles and throw pillows, and we think she was totally right but we’re pretty sure she just forgot to mention Uncles.  (And also: Hey Amazon! “Old Man Wall Decal”?! That dude isn’t “old”. He’s like early forties. Some of us consider that pretty young as a matter of fact. But F you very much. And Merry Christmas.)

Shopping For A Snow Holiday – In Singapore

It’s Chinese New Year!

Which means all of Singapore is beautifully decorated with lanterns and banners, the Cold Storage soundtrack is set to “CNY Greatest Hitz,” and the international school kids get to dress up for one day, looking like a bunch of little tow-headed Kung Fu Masters. Also: It’s Half Term and so time to bring our spoilt mini-expats on ANOTHER vacation. This time we’re hitting the slopes – which we were ridiculously excited about (The cold! The snow! The cold!) until we started to pack and we realized we don’t own jackets, or long pants, or even closed-toe shoes. And now we’re all, Couldn’t We Just Have Done A Staycation? Like At Snow City Maybe?


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(Oh, and just for clarification, neither of us expects to see the other in a well.  (Thank god, right?  That would be a really bleak holiday.)  We meant “see you in a week.”  Frenzied shopping and packing doesn’t lend itself to careful texting.)

Share with someone you know who will be on that 6am flight to Tokyo (and if that’s you- we’ll see you there.  Order us a mimosa.).


Hygge in Singapore


If you’re on Instagram, or Pinterest, or indeed if you just don’t live under a rock, you’ve undoubtedly heard a lot of talk lately about Hygge. We have two thoughts on that: First, it’s pronounced hoo-gah (we think). And second, the google images for hygge were not taken in Singapore. There are no palm trees, no traffic, no flip flops. Mostly it’s roaring fires and really thick blankets. But that doesn’t mean we Singapore expats can’t hygge the shit out of this weekend if we really put our minds to it. And with that, our Friday List…

10 Ways To Hygge in Singapore

1. Make a Winter Bonfire. No one is using those burning bins left over from Hungry Ghost, so just grab one of those. Fill it with old copies of Expat Living, add a few handfuls of used parking coupons on top, and light ‘er up.

2. Enjoy all the seasonal produce. And by that we mean, It’s Durian Season. Yum.

3. Begin a Fun New Winter Craft. You know, something to fill those long hours indoors. Knit yourself a cute beer koozie. Or build a wind chime out of Tiger beer cans to herald the arrival of Spring. The options are really just endless.

4. Have an Indoor Picnic. It’s just like an outdoor picnic except you have the AC on, and there are no monkeys stealing your shit when you’re not looking.

5. Layer layer layer. Everyone says this is the trick to winter in Scandanavia, so why not here? Start with a base layer (a thick coat of antiperspirant). Make sure you have at least one layer of clothing to absorb all that winter sweat. In a pinch, a wad of tissue stuffed in your cleavage will do the trick. Then watch in disgust throughout the day as your one layer becomes soaked by sweat from within, or rain from without. Yay- fun with fashion!

6. Make a White Russian. This one is not a joke. Equal parts Kahlua, cream, and vodka, poured over ice. Delicious.

7. Cozy up and write letters. In the digital age, an actual letter is a lovely way to connect to loved ones in an authentic, thoughtful way. Your friends back home, snowed into their houses and living on canned goods, will LOVE getting a letter from you all about your fall break surfing in Bali and your Christmas plans in Phuket. Really. Folks at home love that stuff. (That’s assuming the letter ever arrives, that is.)

8. Socks. There can be no Hygge if you’re not wearing socks. Preferably thick, hand-knitted, woollen ones. Obviously you’ll need to take yourself to either the cinema or the supermarket for this activity, unless you want to expire from heat exhaustion.

9. Bake! Soothing, soulful, and so deliciously productive! Unless you live in SIngapore, and then it’s just a total pain in the ass, and you’re better off going to Cedele in your air-conditioned car and “out-sourcing”. So you’ve cut out the soothing and the soulful, but what’s wrong with going straight to deliciously productive?

10. Snuggle. At the heart of it, Hygge is all about love and connection. Remember to show your loved ones – through the power of touch – just how much they mean to you. But not for too long, obviously – because with touch comes SWEAT.

How are you planning to hygge this weekend?