SUMMIT SPECIAL DAY 2: Today’s Dispatch from Textpat Towers
BREAKING NEWS…. Trump HAS ARRIVED ON SENTOSA. “Sentosa is a very nice country” he told our source. “Very nice. You know what would make it nicer? A great big golf resort. Linda! Get me the phone!”
Here on this small tropical island, usually called the “State of Fun,” but this week transformed into the “State of Guns,” the twinkling lights of hundreds of oil-tankers set the scene for today’s Fairy Tale meeting. (The Fairy Tale being, The Emperor’s New Clothes.)
Life goes on as usual for the people of Singapore, who are learning to live with the occasional traffic back-up, and the sudden unexplained island-wide shortage of Cool Ranch Doritos. The press contingent continues to grow, although we expect some breathing space this afternoon when the jetlagged yanks all get to take their naps. As Mr Trump himself told us: It’s bad enough that it’s hot as shit, but I can’t keep my fucking eyes open. How’s a powerful man like me – because I am powerful, but I’m also nice, I’m a good nice guy, that’s what I am, ask anybody – how am I supposed to get a round of golf in with this fucking jet-lag shit? Don’t the time-zones know who I am?
Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman has arrived, adding to the gravitas of this historic occasion. He immediately got himself on TV, ranting and weeping incoherently while wearing a MAGA hat, a potcoin.com t-shirt, and a dashing pair of women’s sunnies. Again, gravitas.
Today’s handshake is expected to lead to a much closer bond between the two statesmen. Rumours have it that they plan to spend tonight together, playing video games, eating pizza straight out of the box, and bitching about “that Justin who thinks he’s so cool”. Who will get the top bunk is anyone’s guess.
Oh, and still no one knows where Melania is.