Summit in Singapore Day 2

SUMMIT SPECIAL DAY 2: Today’s Dispatch from Textpat Towers

BREAKING NEWS…. Trump HAS ARRIVED ON SENTOSA.  “Sentosa is a very nice country” he told our source.  “Very nice. You know what would make it nicer? A great big golf resort.  Linda! Get me the phone!”

Here on this small tropical island, usually called the “State of Fun,” but this week transformed into the “State of Guns,” the twinkling lights of hundreds of oil-tankers set the scene for today’s Fairy Tale meeting.  (The Fairy Tale being, The Emperor’s New Clothes.)

Life goes on as usual for the people of Singapore, who are learning to live with the occasional traffic back-up, and the sudden unexplained island-wide shortage of Cool Ranch Doritos. The press contingent continues to grow, although we expect some breathing space this afternoon when the jetlagged yanks all get to take their naps. As Mr Trump himself told us:  It’s bad enough that it’s hot as shit, but I can’t keep my fucking eyes open.  How’s a powerful man like me – because I am powerful, but I’m also nice, I’m a good nice guy, that’s what I am, ask anybody – how am I supposed to get a round of golf in with this fucking jet-lag shit?  Don’t the time-zones know who I am?

Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman has arrived, adding to the gravitas of this historic occasion.  He immediately got himself on TV, ranting and weeping incoherently while wearing a MAGA hat, a t-shirt, and a dashing pair of women’s sunnies.  Again, gravitas.

Today’s handshake is expected to lead to a much closer bond between the two statesmen.  Rumours have it that they plan to spend tonight together, playing video games, eating pizza straight out of the box, and bitching about “that Justin who thinks he’s so cool”.  Who will get the top bunk is anyone’s guess.

Oh, and still no one knows where Melania is.


Summit in Singapore: Day 1

TPW Presents:


As night draws in, we look at the momentous events of the first day of the historical Singapore Summit.

Today was surprisingly breezy, with just a hint of orange in the air. Women, wearing their husband’s padded cycling shorts for pussy-protection, wandered around the back roads of Tanglin Mall, frantically trying to find an unblocked way into their expat lair.

Rumours abound as to the respective Great Leaders’ movements over the past 24 hours. One source places Trump at the Queensway McDonald’s Drive-Thru at 2am, while another assures us she was slamming Tigers with “this fat dude with bad hair” at Newton Hawker Centre all night.

We can’t comment on the many many wealthy Chinese businessmen spotted going into the Shangri-la over the course of the day, but we’re pretty damn sure that one of the them was the same guy who tried to get us to invest in his timeshare in Phuket a while back.

But still the questions abound. Where is Melania? Why does Puerto Rico still have no power? Can we *really* look like the Supreme Leader for just $8 at K-Cuts?

Tune in tomorrow, for another edition of: THE SUMMIT SPECIAL.

Ten Things You Never Did Until You Became a Singapore Expat


Ten Things You Never Did Until You Became a Singapore Expat:

1. Gather a gaggle of other women together and head off to a nearby country to volunteer for several days. (Of course we should be doing this wherever we live, but, you know…)

2. Dress up in costumes – in public – more than you ever did as a child. Why do we feel the need to do this? We’re not sure. Perhaps because we already stand out, so we might as well be wearing a tutu and bunny ears?

3. Go to a different country for a spa day. Because, when you think about it, that’s insane.

4. Drink endless Champagne on that same spa day. Because it turns out that the masseuses there don’t give a hoot about the need to flush toxins from your body post massage. Just keep chugging the bubbly, lady.

5. Feel very sorry for ourselves when our live-in maid/nanny/cook takes a few weeks off. “Two weeks of doing my own laundry? The HORROR.”

6. Go for afternoon tea. Unless of course you’re the Queen of England. (But here in Expat Land? We’re ALL queens! Pass the cucumber sandwiches!)

7. Drive to four different shops in four different locations on the island to complete your grocery shopping. And then do it again the next day.

8. In the same vein – take it upon yourself to post a PSA on Facebook alerting people to the availability of EDIBLE AVOCADOS at your local supermarket.

9. Keep an appointment diary for every member of your family. Yes, including your tiny pre-verbal children. Because people are starting to notice that your infant’s tennis serve sucks. And that Chopin is not going to just play itself.

10. Speaking of scheduling: Schedule an appointment with your parents/sibling/best friend to Facetime, so that you can yell at each other, “Can you see me?! Are we frozen?! Where did you go?! Hello?” Even it that’s all you say to each other, for 20 minutes, it still kinda feeds the soul.