Those Last Days of Expat Summer

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The final days of summer holidays can be tough. First you have to say goodbye to everyone for another year, and then you’ve got to empty the beach sand from your pockets, attempt to pack everything you brought PLUS everything you’ve bought all summer (spoiler alert: It’ll never fit), and steel yourself for the journey back to Singapore, which always feels LONG AF – several hours longer than it took at the start of the summer. And of course, you might also have some last-minute shopping to do. Luckily just a few odds and ends, right?

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Summit in Singapore Day 2

SUMMIT SPECIAL DAY 2: Today’s Dispatch from Textpat Towers

BREAKING NEWS…. Trump HAS ARRIVED ON SENTOSA.  “Sentosa is a very nice country” he told our source.  “Very nice. You know what would make it nicer? A great big golf resort.  Linda! Get me the phone!”

Here on this small tropical island, usually called the “State of Fun,” but this week transformed into the “State of Guns,” the twinkling lights of hundreds of oil-tankers set the scene for today’s Fairy Tale meeting.  (The Fairy Tale being, The Emperor’s New Clothes.)

Life goes on as usual for the people of Singapore, who are learning to live with the occasional traffic back-up, and the sudden unexplained island-wide shortage of Cool Ranch Doritos. The press contingent continues to grow, although we expect some breathing space this afternoon when the jetlagged yanks all get to take their naps. As Mr Trump himself told us:  It’s bad enough that it’s hot as shit, but I can’t keep my fucking eyes open.  How’s a powerful man like me – because I am powerful, but I’m also nice, I’m a good nice guy, that’s what I am, ask anybody – how am I supposed to get a round of golf in with this fucking jet-lag shit?  Don’t the time-zones know who I am?

Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman has arrived, adding to the gravitas of this historic occasion.  He immediately got himself on TV, ranting and weeping incoherently while wearing a MAGA hat, a potcoin.com t-shirt, and a dashing pair of women’s sunnies.  Again, gravitas.

Today’s handshake is expected to lead to a much closer bond between the two statesmen.  Rumours have it that they plan to spend tonight together, playing video games, eating pizza straight out of the box, and bitching about “that Justin who thinks he’s so cool”.  Who will get the top bunk is anyone’s guess.

Oh, and still no one knows where Melania is.

 

Summit in Singapore: Day 1

TPW Presents:

THE DAILY SUMMIT SPECIAL

As night draws in, we look at the momentous events of the first day of the historical Singapore Summit.

Today was surprisingly breezy, with just a hint of orange in the air. Women, wearing their husband’s padded cycling shorts for pussy-protection, wandered around the back roads of Tanglin Mall, frantically trying to find an unblocked way into their expat lair.

Rumours abound as to the respective Great Leaders’ movements over the past 24 hours. One source places Trump at the Queensway McDonald’s Drive-Thru at 2am, while another assures us she was slamming Tigers with “this fat dude with bad hair” at Newton Hawker Centre all night.

We can’t comment on the many many wealthy Chinese businessmen spotted going into the Shangri-la over the course of the day, but we’re pretty damn sure that one of the them was the same guy who tried to get us to invest in his timeshare in Phuket a while back.

But still the questions abound. Where is Melania? Why does Puerto Rico still have no power? Can we *really* look like the Supreme Leader for just $8 at K-Cuts?

Tune in tomorrow, for another edition of: THE SUMMIT SPECIAL.

Ten Things You Never Did Until You Became a Singapore Expat

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Ten Things You Never Did Until You Became a Singapore Expat:

1. Gather a gaggle of other women together and head off to a nearby country to volunteer for several days. (Of course we should be doing this wherever we live, but, you know…)

2. Dress up in costumes – in public – more than you ever did as a child. Why do we feel the need to do this? We’re not sure. Perhaps because we already stand out, so we might as well be wearing a tutu and bunny ears?

3. Go to a different country for a spa day. Because, when you think about it, that’s insane.

4. Drink endless Champagne on that same spa day. Because it turns out that the masseuses there don’t give a hoot about the need to flush toxins from your body post massage. Just keep chugging the bubbly, lady.

5. Feel very sorry for ourselves when our live-in maid/nanny/cook takes a few weeks off. “Two weeks of doing my own laundry? The HORROR.”

6. Go for afternoon tea. Unless of course you’re the Queen of England. (But here in Expat Land? We’re ALL queens! Pass the cucumber sandwiches!)

7. Drive to four different shops in four different locations on the island to complete your grocery shopping. And then do it again the next day.

8. In the same vein – take it upon yourself to post a PSA on Facebook alerting people to the availability of EDIBLE AVOCADOS at your local supermarket.

9. Keep an appointment diary for every member of your family. Yes, including your tiny pre-verbal children. Because people are starting to notice that your infant’s tennis serve sucks. And that Chopin is not going to just play itself.

10. Speaking of scheduling: Schedule an appointment with your parents/sibling/best friend to Facetime, so that you can yell at each other, “Can you see me?! Are we frozen?! Where did you go?! Hello?” Even it that’s all you say to each other, for 20 minutes, it still kinda feeds the soul.

Comfy Shoes In Singapore (or, Good Friends Remind Us What Really Matters In Life)

 

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Warning: Contains photos of UGLY FEET. Just be glad that the current heat wave hadn’t hit yet when that photo was taken. Because believe us when we say that manky middle-aged hooves are NOTHING on manky *swollen* middle-aged hooves.)

 

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A Rainy Public Holiday In Singapore

We don’t know about you all, but we’re still reeling from Tuesday.  The time a Public Holiday and an insane storm hit Singapore on the same day…

(The trauma of these things coinciding may not be obvious to those who aren’t expats here.  But trust us, the pain is real.  Expat sisters, back us up on this one.)

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Durian in Singapore (and why not to run through alleys in the morning)

We all want to be the “cool expat.” The one who backwards parks in one smooth, beautiful arc. The one who prefers a kopi to a Starbucks. The one who doesn’t sound like a jackass when they throw in a “lah” once in a while.

But try as we might, it’s not always easy.

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The Time An Expat In Singapore Took a Little Holiday. In Paris.

While most of us spent our holidays in the region, and a few ventured down to Oz or up to Japan or China, apparently *some* of us find this region has grown tiresome, and were therefore forced to travel to more distant locales for their holidays.  Like, say, PARIS. The rest of us – the ones who spent our holiday *not* wearing berets and instead just chasing feral kids and drinking warm cans of Tiger beer in our own backyards – might feel a teensy bit jealous of our jetsetting friends. But we’d do well to remember: all that Joie De Vivre Francais can come at a cost…

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You Know It’s Time for the Stayed-In-Singapore Expat Easter Holidays to end when…

It’s April, which means school (Easter) holidays – which are bizarrely at completely different times for every school in Singapore. Some people have been back at school for ages, and some of us are STILL on holiday. You can tell which is which because the latter group are the ones looking particularly haggard, Googling “kids silent activities,” posting their blogs from the tables at Bounce, and literally counting the hours until 8:00 Monday morning. (You’ll never guess which camp we fall into.) Nonetheless, as the holidays draw to a close, we raise our icy, drippy G&Ts tonight in congratulating all of us on surviving another school holiday. As we like to say, “It was real. And it was fun. But it wasn’t real fun.”*

(*We kid. There were real fun moments, of course. But nothing is as fun as a good, solid 8 hour school day. Now that’s fun.)

YOU KNOW IT’S TIME FOR THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS TO EMD WHEN…

1. You realize you haven’t actually seen any of your friends in real life in weeks. Seeing them on Facebook – swooshing down slopes in Austria, frolicking in the waves in the Maldives, and sipping wine in Margaret River – just doesn’t quite cut it. (And by that we mean ‘is infuriating’. Surely everyone should be suffering through these endless endless school holidays too??)

2. You have no idea what day it is. (Isn’t it Thursday today? Why is the Art Science museum free? Wait, it’s FRIDAY??? THANK YOU LORD. Two days to go…)

3. Your grand Staycation Bucket List (“KidZania! Museums! Beach Day! Pulau Ubin!”) now seems completely delusional, because the reality was more like “Condo pool! Then someone else’s condo pool! Then back to our own condo pool! How about some TV?’

4. You start feeling a little creeped out by how empty everything is. No queue at Baker & Cook? Why are there so many parking spots at the Botanics? Why is Orchard Road so non-chaotic? This is just… weird.

5. Your kids’ school uniforms have started to mold in the closet. (Just kidding. That started on Day 2.)

6. Your shorts and sundresses have all taken on a new, snug look in the midsection area (apparently two weeks of skipping bootcamp and binge eating chocolate eggs isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.)

7. Speaking of eggs, the chocolate eggs and Easter grass in the stores are all actually reasonably priced now, which you take note of and then duly ignore, because God knows the last thing your kids need at this point is any more treats.

8. You think you’ve been pretty strict about screen-time – ONLY MORNINGS AND EVENINGS!!! – but then when you add it up you realise that ONLY MORNINGS AND EVENINGS = SEVEN HOURS. Oops.

9. Can we please just go back to one supermarket trip a week? At Fairprice? Because those twice-daily pop-ins to Cold Storage are about to ruin you financially. (Although it’s *way* more sociable than Fairprice ever was. Basically, every expat who’s not in Bali or the Alps is in Cold Storage at least once a day.)

10. Your calendar suddenly appears to say that summer holidays are RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER. Goddamit how can that BE?! Time to book some flights and sort out the airbnbs, ladies. (Not to mention the CHILDCARE.)

Happy Friday- and joyous end-of-holidays- everyone!